Week 4

We are 4 weeks into this thing, or 1/12 of the way if we are counting the long haul. It's been a relatively easy first 4 weeks, with no icing or discomfort or any of that. I'm actually pretty happy with the results thus far, and the usual "sprouting" that takes place around the edges hasn't been as bad. It's true what they say about taming a beard, that the best way to tame it is just to let it grow.

I'm just trying to play catch up after being gone for almost 2 weeks. I spent a little time on the script yesterday and caught up on Netflix. I watched a great movie called "happythankyoumoreplease." You should definitely watch it if you're reading this. Right now I'm watching the latest episode of True Blood. I hate to ruin it for you, but here's tonight's (as well as every night's) episode: A human ran into a vampire, and they banged. Then a werewolf bumped into a panther, and they banged. Then a couple of vampires banged, some gays banged, and everyone was rednecks. The end.

I've also decided this week that I'm taking a semi-social media break. I'm going to keep tweeting for you guys, but I'm checking out of FB for a while, and not reading anyone else's tweets.

I didn't go through a breakup or something gay like that where most people log off for a while. I'm just tired of reading the same 5 things all day. Women pretending they're not torn up over breakups, dumb young people pretending they have found the meaning of life through some party, concert, youtube video, or drinking game, and hipster girls and guys thinking I give a fuck about their run through Runyon Canyon or their ugly dogs. Live, Laugh, Love.

I'll still respond to your emails and stuff on there, because I'm not a dick, but I won't be chatting anyone up anytime soon. You can thank me later women.

Vacation BeardBlog

Ok, so I'm sitting at my mom's place outside of Minneapolis. We just got back from northern Michigan (a 9 hour car ride). I get to go back to Phoenix for work in a few days, then finally home to CA on Friday after being gone for a couple of weeks.

I always hate trips home, primarily for 1 reason: Everyone that is up my ass 365 days a year to let them know when I come home to visit always gives me this elaborate song and dance when I'm finally here about why they can't hang out, or how much advance notice they needed etc. The only adjective I could use to describe this behavior is "faggot." as in "that is very faggot of you."

No more trips home this year. I live in Long Beach, CA 90804. You wanna see me, book a flight and come to town. Until then, enjoy community college, your miserable long term relationship, your 1.5 asshole bastard children, and your shitty minimum wage job (all the things that keep you busy).

Oh yeah, the beard is longer this week, and FYI....

...this is what daddy looks like when he's taking a shit.

Happy St. Patrick's Day Everybody!

"Weak" 2

Ok, so it's week 2 of the beard blog. Starting to itch, but staying the course. Also, as a side note, I never realized how much my goatee stopped food from landing all over my facemouth. Without the goatee part, I have just been douche-covering my tits with everything I eat. Gross.

I have attempted to look happier in this picture, because some faggot said I looked depressed in the last one. I'm writing a blog about growing a beard, so what the fuck makes you think I have anything to be happy about.

Here's your smile pic, you cocksuck.

Beard Update.

Alright, so we're a week in to this thing. I've already had a bunch of people doubt my commitment level. Bets have been made, retracted, and all things in between on whether or not I will make it the whole 12 months. All I can say is that after a week, 12 months is a scary picture:

7 days. 7 days, and I already have a thin layer of a beard. I do want to comment on a couple of things regarding my first post though.

Clearly, as you can see, a neck line is necessary in this process. Hair literally grows from my chin (or lack thereof) all the way down to my chest, so in an effort to look as not-creepy as possible, the neck line is a must. A cheek line will probably be in order after it grows in more as the days progress. Aside from those two things, the goal is to get 12 months without shortening the beard at all.

I did my first comedy show without facial hair this week, and I have to say it was definitely a weird experience. It was hard to get comfortable on stage, because I've never been so uncomfortable in my own skin while performing. I felt like I had to reference it though, and as soon as I did I felt a lot better about it.

All in all, I feel like there's enough coverage now where I'm no longer uncomfortable about it. Now my thoughts are wondering what I will look like in 3 more weeks, let alone 3 more months. I knew that my facial hair grew in quickly, but wow.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I'll try to keep posting as regularly as possible, but unless there is a beard-related embarrassing incident, or some new development, I'll spare you guys the unnecessary updates.

7/4/11 - 7/4/12: The Year of the Beard

Ok, so I used to blog CONSTANTLY when myspace was a thing, but since the migration to Facebook, I haven't really had a reason to blog anything. I used to give updates on my comedy career, what I was doing, etc. I haven't really had much to update since the move to LA in 2009, so I haven't really blogged much. I've been working on screenwriting, wrote a book, and have been working on my 2nd comedy cd (which for some reason continues to elude me each time we try to record it), and my day job has kept me plenty busy.

Yesterday, I made a mistake I haven't made in 5 years....

Most of you that know me know that I usually look like this:

Now, this is a look that I have generally sported for the last 5 years. 5 years is a pinnacle in this blog, because that was the last time I made this terrible mistake.

5 years ago, when my life-time best friend Sean was visiting from my native Philadelphia (I then lived in Minneapolis), I had slipped on a wet faucet while trimming with a clippers and took a huge chunk out of my goatee. I had already had a shaved head, so the result was me looking like some sort of chemo-therapy patient. It was not good.

I have often been restless with the taming of my beard of the years. I trim to frequently, and can never seem to keep things symmetrical (which I obsess over).

Yesterday, I bonsai tree'd my way to the point of no return....


Here was the result:

As you can see, having a beard is a critical component in hiding the fact that my face has ZERO definition. My close friend and comedian Patrick Melton best described me as having a "Simpson's" face.

Combine the fact that I'm probably 50 pounds overweight (easily), and have the starting point facial definition of a sea turtle, this couldn't have ended any other way then bad.

I made a decision yesterday though.

In an effort to fight my compulsion to trim, cut, and shape my facial hair, I made a pact with myself that yesterday (July 4th, 2011) would be the LAST day I touched my facial hair for 12 months. I will let the beard grow out, attempt to tame it along the way (I do have a corporate day job) but will make no efforts to reduce the growth.

I will update you readers weekly with pictures of my beard-volution, as well as any stories I may have that coincide with the embarrassment that is my current appearance.

Stay tuned...